Inklings of a Daydream

- June 19 -

- June 18 -

It’s so hard to just want to love your parent with all your heart and believe what they say, when they have spent the last seven years lying to you and manipulating you. Aren’t your parents supposed to be the person you can go to and trust no matter what?

Dad

I know it’s stupid that I treat Tumblr like a diary at times, but so few people that I know follow me on here, that sometimes it feels like the only outlet I can really write about stuff on.

This past weekend was my birthday and Father’s Day. My dad and I used to always say it couldn’t be a coincidence how the days were so close and often fell on each other, seeing how close the two of us were. He texted me a happy birthday message, but didn’t call, so I did the same for Father’s Day. He chose to kind of respond tonight finally with this long message. I can always tell that he’s drunk when he sends me messages like this.

“Can’t express how much I need to have some time with you. You might not understand til you are older, more knowledgeable, but I somehow think you might understand me if you can get past who I am to you. I love and am so proud of your brother, but you are so much my legacy and future.  There is something so special about you that left me lost to leave but gave me faith that there was something innate in you that was not something you could easily tag but put your faith in.  Call it strength if you want.  It’s who and what you are that defines you. Can’t express the hold you’ve always had on my heart. Best thing is you are what I always wanted more than anything. A daughter.  There is strength in you I always wish I had. Hope you can find the inner strength I’ve known since you chased bubbles in the drive.  Keep that side of you so you don’t lose touch with the reality and humor of life. God, I love you so much. Sucks I can’t know the woman you’ve become.”

Dad, you could know me. You don’t try to know me. The only time I hear from you is when you randomly send messages like this or when I need to talk to you about my insurance.  And I am not your legacy. I am my own person, set out to make my own path, not your second chance at going through life without fucking things up.

I was having such a beautiful night. Moments like these feel like a punch in the gut.

“Take me to your trees. Take me to your breakfasts, your sunsets, your bad dreams, your shoes, your nouns. Take me to your fingers.”